I must be the most interviewed/reported on waiter/dishwasher/barkeep in Toronto. For a fellow who does nothing of note, I'm certainly asked a lot of questions. I've even turned down an interview because I didn't like the paper. Just where the hell do I get off anyway?
The latest chat with me is in the most recent issue of the Austin Texas based zine "Space Squid". Some of you may remember that I sold them a story and they got my name wrong.
They called me Ryan C. Thomas, who is a fine writer but, unfortunately, is no Ryan Oakley. He's Ryan C. Thomas. There is a difference. To explore this difference. Space Squid decided to run a segment in their new issue called: "Know Your Ryans".
And I just want to say that I fucking love their zine and could never stay angry at them. It is some of the best, most screwy SF out there and it's the only SF mag worth reading from cover to cover. These guys don't give you the same old tired innovations on the same old tired cliches. They give you something new, fun and easy to digest. With games and lot's of pictures. A scantily clad woman on every cover. My sort of people. Even if they are from Texas.
Without further adieu, I present their interview it in it's entirety. With their permission.
Where are you based?
Ryan Oakley: Toronto. That's in Canada. Much bigger than Texas.
Ryan C. Thomas: Not sure—all my base are belong to some guy in Japan. Favorite Color?
Ryan Oakley: Depends on my cuff-links.
Ryan C. Thomas: Green. No Blue. People say my writing is most like ________.
Ryan Oakley: People say my writing is most like post-tea rape.
Ryan C. Thomas: People say my writing is most like that scene in Annie where they tie the cans to Sandy's tail. I'd rather _____ than live in Texas.
Ryan Oakley: I'd rather have Heathcare than live in Texas.
Ryan C. Thomas: I'd rather swallow a live parrot than live in Texas. Ninjas? Yes/No?
Ryan Oakley: Not "American Ninja". Puh-fucking-lease.
Ryan C. Thomas: Depends. American Ninja, yes. Ninja Gaiden, no. My most favorite military action of the last 1500 years is ________.
Ryan Oakley: My most favorite military action of the last 1500 years is Stalingrad.
Ryan C. Thomas: My most favorite military action of the last 1500 years is the almost development of the gay bomb. Byzantium 989 c.e. Party town or what?
Ryan Oakley: An utter bore and completely impossible to find a decent martini.
Ryan C. Thomas: Vlady was a champ at the vodka luge. Would you get a cybernetic prosthetic that was sexy or scary?
Ryan Oakley: So sexy it's scary and vice versa. Just like me.
Ryan C. Thomas: Way ahead of you on that one. Which anthropomorphized animal would make the best tennis partner?
Ryan Oakley: John McEnroe.
Ryan C. Thomas: A giant spider riding on the back of a giant Millipede. (Which brings me back to that sexy or scary question.) Our culture is too _____ to violence.
Ryan Oakley: Our culture is too slow to violence. Yours is too fast.
Ryan C. Thomas: Our culture is too gluestick to violence. (I always suck at madlibs.) The only thing crunchier than _______ is ______.
Ryan Oakley: The only thing crunchier than broken glass is broken glass with 50% more nuts.
Ryan C. Thomas: The only thing crunchier than an Oregon hippie is a New Hampshire hippie. By 2050 the world will be a hellish deathscape. But what about Seattle?
Ryan Oakley: It already tried that in the nineties.
Ryan C. Thomas: Now that I think about it, the giant spider would probably try to eat the giant millipede, because they're always hungry. Wait, what was the question? In the future _____ will be fast and easy.
Ryan Oakley: In the future good women will be fast and easy.
Ryan C. Thomas: In the future the Los Angeles Freeway will be fast and easy. (Now that's science fiction.) The Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard in his essay "On the Rotation of Crops" states that "nature abhors boredom." Disprove in eight words or less.
Ryan Oakley: The success of sloths, MacDonald's and cricket.
Ryan C. Thomas: Kierkegaard never visited Valparaiso, Indiana.
And that's it. I hope you enjoyed it. I'm trying to convince them to sell their mag out of Bakka Books in Toronto so that I can get copies of their zine without having to sell them a story every issue. I'll let you know how it turns out. Labels: me me me, sci-fi, writing |
